The thoughts of a Filipina-American who doesn't know where home is

Photo courtesy: Abigail Atenzia

The thoughts of a filipina-american who doesn’t know where home is
don’t let these raven black locs of hair deceive you
i didn’t come from the motherland
i didn’t come from the island of which my people fought for
i came from the womb of a woman who came to america at the age of 10
who had to see her older brother get deported over a little weed
who had to move out of her parent’s house to live in her older sister’s in law’s house to go to college
which led her to meet a young man who worked in the restaurant connected to the house
which then led to me
but do not let my light pale skin deceive you
i got that filipino island type in my blood
100% pinay and i say that shit with pride
but listen the day i die make sure my flag flies high
while i'm being buried 6 ft down
because i know my roots are deeper than
the graves my colonizers dug for my people
my roots began at the indigenous pinoys who
didn't know of machismo
where the community was strong and matriarchal
where woman ran shit and little girls weren’t told to learn how to cook and clean to find a husband
then one day in 1521
a bastard named ferdinand magellan
stripped my people of my history
stripped them of their beliefs
stripped me of my power
this is why i wear my 4 colors with pride
but i put that red, white, and blue to the side because i was not meant to be here
thinking about back home even though i wasn't born there
thinking of all the memories i had on the land my parents grew up on
breathing the air that my ancestors once breathed
i love my culture
love my roots
but back home isn’t the government my ancestors wanted
and living on the colonizer land doesn’t do any justice
where do i belong
where do i fit
not knowing how to speak fluent tagalog
feels like a betrayal because i know fluent english
i don't want to call the colonizer land home
but i can't call my country my home either because my country is controlled my political bullies
my people are suffering
what do i do
where do i fit
where do i fit